Yesterday I wrote a Facebook post about how it was 20 days to my first anniversary of my stroke and how I am unsure about how I will feel that day. I want to talk about that a bit.
First of all, let’s talk about Dec 29, the day of the stroke. I don’t how l’ll feel that day. Hopefully it will be ok. We’ll know soon enough. Looking back, that day wasn’t bad compared to what was on the horizon.
December 31st is the day that will the toughest. When most people were cheering in the new year I was fighting for my life. I had a seizure that day. The stroke was still bleeding and my skull was expanding because the blood had nowhere to go. The doctors had given up on me, pronouncing me brain dead and the priest had gave me the Penance, Last Rites and Eucharist. Apparently two priests came with him to learn the process – they must have been really sure I was on my way out. I would like to point that this is typical Darcy fashion – if you’re going to do something do it with flair. In this case, die on New Years Eve. Not August 12 or February 5. They are just “ordinary” days. Remember what you did on those days? Probably not (unless your Marilu Henner). Remember New Years Eve? Thats the kind of day I have do it on. Something spectacular – with fireworks
Now here is where things get interesting. I didn’t die. If I did I doubt you’d be reading this. Unless when we die we enter some time warp and forever blah blah… forget it…I’m alive. So now that we established that I am alive, let’s get to the million dollar question.
I ask myself this question every day. No answer yet. Maybe tomorrow.
If you believe in god you have your theories. If you believe in some other theory of how we got here then maybe you have your own explanation. Maybe it was just plain luck. Maybe it was because was I have a great family and friends and I didn’t want to send goodbye just yet (this one should get me some brownie points. But it’s true.). I am not sure why I am still here but if it’s because I have a purpose for being here I hope it involves me having millions of dollars (I’ll share, I promise).
What I do know is that I’m here. For whatever reason. And I’m glad. December 31st is probably going to be rough but I’ll get though it and the next day is January 1 and the beginning of a new year. And it’s going be a good one! For all of us!
l made a statement on facebook that there things about me that I wanted to “make better” but had to worry about the stroke first.
Bullshit. I work hard every day trying to recover from what happened to me. But that doesn’t have anything to do with me working on other things about me that need fixin’.
Some of them may need to wait because of the stroke, but the list is not short. Most of them can be worked on whenever I want.
So I’m going to start today. Right after lunch.
(That last sentence was a joke)
When I was in Riverview doing stroke rehab a couple of guys came to see me. One of them was from Thunder Bay and one used to live in Thunder Bay and a while back moved from there to this area.
About 15 years ago I had a falling out with the one that moved here. I can’t even begin to describe the hatred I felt (the issue came to a head the day after my grandmother died – great timing). And the hatred ran deeply and strongly all those years.
Around 1995 a friend and myself went on a trip that eventually found us in Minneapolis. We were trying to find a puppy for for her mother (which we eventually did). On the trip one of the things we talked about was forgiveness. She talked about how she could forgive people for doing her wrong. I told her how couldn’t do that. They’d be on my bad side forever. I don’t think she liked that style of thinking. She was not that kind of girl.
Fast forward to the the day of the visit in rehab. I was surprised to see the guy I had all the resent for there. Then my mind went back to that conversation all those years ago about forgiveness and made me realize that he came to visit me during the lowest point in my life… as a friend. In that instant a lot happened. That conversation all those years ago suddenly made sense from her point of view. I decided right there and then that life is too short to carry grudges, especially with someone you used call ‘friend’. As far as I was concerned all was forgiven.
So we spent a couple of hours talking about old times and remembering a lot of the things we did together in Thunder Bay (we did a lot of stupid things). The visit by friends I hadn’t seen in about 15 years was probably the visit I treasure the most while in the hospital. Thanks for that, Doug and Cory.
And thanks to Donna for teaching me that I can forgive. It took a long time for the lesson to sink in but sometimes I can be that way.
Now I want to pass that advice on to you, my friends. There are going to be people you meet in life that you know you won’t ever like but will have deal with. Try to deal with them as best you can and then go on with life. But if it’s someone close to you, work it out. You’ll be happy you did. Sometimes that may not be possible, but time is a great cure for a lot of things so maybe it’s time to try.
And one last word for Doug and Cory… “peaches”